What I’m learning about managing my inner critic

Six months ago, I hired a coach to help me thrive in my life and work.

A big part of my work with her has been dealing with thoughts and beliefs that hold me back.

You’d think that, after years of coaching others on mindset and even writing a whole chapter on mastering your mind in my book, Unleash Your Leadership : How to Worry Less and Achieve More, I’d have this stuff sorted.

But I’m afraid it’s work in progress for me too.

The good news is that I have fresh insights into the unhelpful noise in my head – and how to manage it.

Your party has been gatecrashed

I’ve decided that life in your head is a bit like throwing a house party.

There are guests you want to be there – positive, empowering thoughts and beliefs.

However, they’re crowded out by loud, critical voices dominating the space, ones that say things like “You’re not good enough” and “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

At first, you assume these “guests” must be telling the truth and you need to listen to them.

But then you have a lightbulb moment : they’re not invited – they’re gatecrashers.

They make a lot of noise, but they’re full of hot air and their only purpose is to make you feel and act small.

So, you ask them to leave and put a bouncer on the door to prevent them slipping back in.

But they don’t give up that easily.

Before you know it, they’ve climbed in through a window or slipped through a side door. Suddenly, they’re right next to you again, whispering:

“Are you sure you can do this? I don’t think you have what it takes.”

Once you notice them, you have to throw them out again and again until, eventually, they stop trying (I’m not there yet, but I hear it happens!).

Three insights I’ve had about mastering my mind

1) Knowing the science isn’t enough

I know we have an inbuilt negativity bias because we’ve evolved for survival. Research suggests that a staggering 80% of our thoughts are negative.

I know that our brain is a threat detection system that can’t distinguish between the potential danger of a tiger in the bushes and the risk of publishing this blog.

I know that our negative thoughts aren’t fact. They’re just a throwback to when things were literally a matter of life and death.

However, even when I know my thoughts aren’t the truth, they can still feel real. And it’s easy to believe them. 

2) A zero-tolerance policy is essential

My coach introduced me to the idea of a zero-tolerance policy for negative thoughts.

Once you become aware of an unhelpful thought, you mustn’t allow it headspace or it will adversely impact how you feel and act.

Even as I write this, I notice a gatecrasher creeping in: “This isn’t good enough. You can’t send this out to your mailing list.”

I have to remind myself : zero tolerance. As soon as I notice a negative, unhelpful thought, I have to evict it immediately. This requires constant policing.

3) Rejecting isn’t enough – you need to replace

In the 5Rs model I shared in my book, one “R” was to Reject unhelpful thoughts.

However, I’ve realised that throwing out a gatecrasher isn’t enough – you have to replace them with an empowering, supportive guest.

For example, it might be replacing “You’re out of your depth” with “I can handle any situation that comes my way.”

Even if you don’t fully believe the new thought yet, I find that it expands what feels possible for me.

And finally…

I have been immersing myself in the work of the late Dr Wayne Dyer. Here are some of his words of wisdom to close :

“Your mind is like a garden. Whatever you plant will grow. If you plant seeds of worry, doubt, and fear, they will take root. If you plant seeds of joy, love, and abundance, you will create a beautiful life.”

What are you planting today?